It’s summertime. A time for rest, especially for me since this is the first summer in 7-8 years that I haven’t had some sort of job to do. Normally life moves so quickly, between school and my past jobs and then returning back to school, but this summer has felt so incredibly slow and very redundant. It’s kind of felt like the days have begun to repeat; where I was waking up at the same time, having some quiet time with the Lord, eating breakfast, working out, having lunch, watching some tv, talking/playing with my dogs, going for a walk, more tv and dinner and then go to bed. There’s nothing wrong with a good routine, but it is just so different than when I’m at school and it never really felt like I was doing anything purposeful. I was just there, all the time, doing literally anything, but none of it really felt like I was doing something. To be honest, I thought I was going genuinely crazy for a few days, because I felt like I had nothing to do, nothing interesting was happening and I felt purposeless. 

I have been so used to having a job of some sort, being with people all the time and having a reason behind the actions I was taking. So why have I been put in the place of purposelessness? Why have I not been able to work or be of assistance for anyone? Why do I feel stuck? I’ve been praying for a reason to be here at home. I didn’t hear the Lord for a while and that scared me a bit, because I have kind of grown used to hearing His voice fairly quickly, but I know He reveals things in His own timing, and maybe these moments where I feel purposeless is my heart just simply yearning for the calling the Lord is preparing before me. It’s moments of weakness in my flesh, where I doubt myself, where I doubt my capabilities, but I forget the One that has already prepared the way. I forget that Christ has me in the place for a reason. 

Yes, I am bored pretty consistently here at home for the summer. (mom & dad I know you’re reading this, I promise it’s not you, it’s me. I love you both dearly). It’s been a really hard transition between college life and coming back home to the life I used to live everyday. It’s hard for me to go back to a place I feel as if I have begun to grow out of. I miss my community in Athens, I miss the hustle and somewhat inconsistency of life there, it was exciting. It is exciting. I love my hometown, I love my people here, but there is something different about it & maybe it’s just taking me a while to get used to it again since I haven’t been here as often as I used to. I want to be happy and content with where I am placed though. The Lord calls us to be content in any circumstance & I truly want that while I am here.

Anywho, like I said before, I have been praying for a purpose as I have been home. I have been asking the Lord what He wants me to do. He consistently keeps bringing me to my most favorite verse, as it was told to me for the first time in high school after an injury that kept me from being able to physically support those that I loved at the time.

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6‬:‭9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Maybe what He wants from me right now is just to take care of myself, take care of those around me, rebuild my discipline and self-control that I lost in my time of mental struggles within the last year. Maybe this is a rebuilding season. Rebuilding the person I once was, the person that Christ had always intended for me to be. No, I was never perfect nor will I ever be, but I do miss that joy I once had, I miss the adventurous side of myself, the athletic side of myself, the creative, the goofy, the enthusiasm, the healthy Carleigh that I once was. I’m seeing more glimpses of her more recently and I think that is thanks to the good Lord’s peace He has so graciously provided.

Yes, I am doing better than I was months ago, but there are still days where I struggle to get out of bed, because I don’t feel as if I have a reason to. But maybe right now, the Lord wants me to work with Him on who He wants me to be. I get up each morning and care for myself and the people in my household because He graciously gave me breath for another day. I wake up to serve Him. Serving Him can look like exercising;

“you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭6‬:‭20‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Same with what I consume, spiritually and physically. We are what we eat; if we eat junk, we become junk. What I watch, read and surround myself with are what I begin to talk about. Serving Him can look like choosing something healthy to consume, or whether it is actual food to sustain my body that is a temple unto the Holy Spirit.

“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;” ‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭6‬:‭19‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Disciplines are redundant, they are boring, they are tiring and they are not particularly fun, but if we can continue to do them on days where it feels as if we have no reason to do actually anything. Then we will reap the harvest.

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” ‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭12‬:‭11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Because in order to serve others, I have to be prepared by Him. He provides, so maybe what He is providing right now is time for me to rebuild my healthy habits I once had, bring back my old random dance parties in the living room with my family (but I was the only one dancing), rebuild the joy in the mundane. Relearning disciplines you once had at a different time in life, is a different kind of hard. You know what it’s like to be disciplined, you know the benefits, you know how Christ can work through those disciplines but you struggle to let go of the complacent mindset that you are okay without it, because you have been “okay” without it for a while.

In typical little sister fashion, as I have been writing this, I have been having a hard time collectively getting all my words into just one simple thought, so I asked my big sister to read this and tell me her thoughts. (Which, by the way, I don’t let people read my blog posts before I post them, so Caroline if you’re reading this, I think you’re pretty special). My sister has a gift of wisdom and she knows how to share it, especially with me, I think that’s why the Lord blessed me with her as my big sister. She has a way of understanding exactly what I’m trying to say even when my words fail me. So, to sum everything up, here’s Caroline’s response after reading this post, “It sounds to me like the Lord is calling you into a season of Sabbath where He is stripping away everything that typically competes for your attention and is asking you to fully behold Him. To explore the fun, joy, rest, peace, and genuine enjoyment of Him.” 

So yes, once again, Caroline gets me. This is not new & I’m so grateful for that. 

 Yes, the days may be repetitive this summer, but I cannot be complacent with how I am, because the Lord has so much more, if I just continue to learn for Him. This is not for me, other than just for me to feel more like myself again, this is just a part of the path that Christ is preparing for me. Without the foundations of self control and discipline, I cannot serve the Kingdom to the best of my abilities. The discipline and self control will reap a harvest for the Kingdom of Heaven if I do not grow weary in doing what is good & I know that to be a fact.