hi there,

It has been quite the crazy week. To begin this week on Sunday, I got engaged. Woo! I cannot even explain how incredibly thankful I am to the Lord for the ways that He graciously blessed me with Lucas. Those are really all the words I’ve been able to form since Sunday. I just have been able to see so clearly the ways that the Lord has redeemed so much in my life through the ways that I have been shown love recently. Though this isn’t really the topic of this post, but thought that was an important detail to throw in considering that’s a huge life update & after all this post is about peace. If you know anything about big life changes, that normally means— not a lot of peace!

But I have to say, I have been experiencing a peace that is beyond my understanding here recently. Especially leading up to the engagement, even though it was a complete surprise to me.

Until a day or two ago when I fell back into those anxious thoughts and feelings. Why is that? I don’t know. That’s kind of where I’m stuck. It’s as if I feel this immense amount of gratitude but also anxiety. Then there’s an immense amount of joy but also an overwhelming sense of sadness that floods over my mind on certain days.

I recently read the book of Ezra. The book of Ezra is during the rule of Cyrus, when the exiles that Nebuchadnezzar had carried captive to Babylonia, returned to Jerusalem and Judah. The whole book focuses on how the Lord rebuilds their faith and trust in Him. Basically, the Lord bringing them back home to Him. As I was reading, specifically in Ezra 3, I noticed that when they were rebuilding the temple, it stated,

And they sang responsively, praising and giving thanks to the Lord, “For He is good, for his steadfast love endures forever towards Israel.” And all the people shouted with a great shout when they praised the Lord, because the foundation of the house of the Lord was laid. But many of the priests and Levites and heads of fathers’ houses who had seen the first house, wept with a loud voice when they saw the foundation of this house being laid, though many shouted aloud for joy, so that the people could not distinguish the sound of the joyful shout from the sound of people’s weeping, for the people shouted with a great shout, and the sound was heard far away. – Ezra 3: 11-13

Joy and sadness coexisting in the Bible was not something I’d thought I’d find. It has always seemed to be to one extreme or the other. But if you read deeper into the text, I was able to find that it was the younger generation that tended to be shouting for joy because they simply had never seen a temple like this before. It showed God’s faithfulness, the restoration they had been praying for and it symbolized hope for them. Meanwhile, the older generation had been around to see Soloman’s original temple which led them to feel a bit of grief for the loss of their past.

I feel so similarly to both of them and genuinely, my soul feels like a jumbled mix of the two; both pure joy and sadness. But then I am reminded of what I also recently read in Luke 6, where we must put our hands to the plow and focus on the new hope we have in Jesus.

The Lord created us to feel both, not just one, and He even made it possible for them to coexist. We just must remember what we truly cling to, the promise of Jesus.

Anywho, tonight I was doing a lot of reminiscing. Going through old things, working through old memories and thoughts with the Lord. Then I found myself at the place I probably wouldn’t have thought I’d be on this random Thursday night. At my grandmother’s piano.

Which keep in mind, I have no idea how to play except for one duet that her & I both used to do together, but in an attempt & slightly just out of boredom I tried to play some hymns. As I played these hymns (which were already just VERY rough attempts) I found myself become far too emotional to keep trying to play. I was remembering every memory I’ve had with my grandmother at her piano, watching her play, simply hearing her play & sing, singing with her and sometimes playing our duet. I gave up on the piano in that moment, but I kept singing our old hymns. Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus, Jesus Paid It All, then I fell into the Christmas music category. Which led me to Hark the Harold Angels Sing, Silent Night, and Joy to the World. This probably lasted a good hour of just me sitting, singing and crying. But it was a mixture, a good mixture, of both joy and sadness.

All the old memories, all the new to come. There is so much of His goodness just looking at me from every aspect of my life. I see Him in my past, I see where He is now and I know He is going to be there in the future. In the midst of the mixture of emotions, it feels nearly impossible to have a sense of peace at all. The last bit of my time at the piano I spent just simply bawling and rolling through the pages of my grandmothers old hymnal, but found myself completed stopped with tears rolling down my face at the only song she seemed to have labeled as Special, which meant it was the special music for the day at church when she would play the organ. Which the song was, The Peace That Jesus Gives. I encourage you to read the lyrics. The Lord had her label that page just for me to find today, just so that I’d know He was still here with me, even in the midst of both sadness & joy.