Jesus, You’ve put this one deep in my heart for a long time. I don’t even know if I’m doing this right, but I’m doing what I believe You’re telling me. How do I let go of something that holds so tightly onto my heart? How do I give it all to You?

I’ve liked to think I don’t care about control that much, but that’s simply just not true. I think it’s human nature to want to control our lives in some sort of way, but that’s what makes it so tricky. That’s where our flesh tends to take over because we so desperately want everything to work out in whatever we think is best. Especially in this day and age where we are constantly being bombarded by so many things on social media, posts, text messages, and calls. We are never taking a break from anything, which makes it nearly impossible to process hard things in our lives.

We try to drown out the pain with so many things; more videos, more movies, more music, and more food. But it never seems to help us let go of all the bits and pieces that are still crumbling within us. Though these things feel like they are easing the pain, all we are truly doing is suppressing it, but it’s still there. It makes it impossible to fully heal wounds, and in some cases it makes those wounds even deeper than they were originally. But have you ever tried just sitting in silence with Jesus, even just for 5 minutes?

It’s hard.

God has been trying to inch me into more and more silence with Him within the last few months. At first, it was at night when everyone else around me had gone to bed. He would call me and simply just say, “Come sit and be with Me.” So I tried to do that, it’s slowly becoming easier with practice, but it physically hurt me to just sit in silence for even just 5 minutes at first. It’s as if my body was reacting to silence as if it was some sort of torture device. My mind would immediately become nothing but a whirlwind of thoughts that would be never-ending worry and anxiety.

But Jesus, how will it ever get better? Jesus, will the truth ever come out? Will I ever feel full joy again? Will I ever not cry myself to sleep again? Will everything be made right eventually? I don’t know how to trust You, but I really want to.

These thoughts are in a constant replay in my brain, especially these last few months. Surrendering all these worries and things I wish I could control and help seems impossible to me in so many different ways. But who am I to be actively doubting the man who said I was worth dying for? Who am I to doubt the man that has shown me unconditional love? Who do I think I am? Why do I feel so entitled to the point that I believe I should know every detail of the plan that God has already placed in front of me? Why do I believe that I know best, when the man that ever-so graciously chooses to give me breath each day is trying to tell me all of the right answers, if I would just stop for a moment and listen to Him. Why is it so hard to let go?

In the silent moments with God, that have begun to even move into bits of the middle of my days rather than just nights. There will be times I will be sitting in class and the Lord will just tap me on the shoulder and say, “Take a moment with me.” During these moments of silence, there are a few things God has had to remind me of these past few days, where I’ve just been having terrible anxiety and a really difficult time controlling what I am thinking and believing in my heart.

• “For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” Romans 8:6 – We have to deny our flesh to be made whole in the Spirit. I do not know what is right, but I know the One who does. I know the One who knows exactly how I am meant to live my life.
• ”Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:2 – The only information I know about things from Heaven is that they are good; And only good. Earthly things however tend to strip away that glimpse of Heaven we need to see in order to be one with Christ. For me, Earthly things are the things that begin to set off those alarms in my head of “What if,” and “Why?” This is where the spiral in my head begins, when I start to think of all the Earthly things that could just possibly happen; Not even things that I know are happening.
• ”Then He said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” Luke 9:23 – I don’t know about you, but denying my flesh and taking up a cross daily sounds really hard. But what I do know is that the Lord will provide strength for those that do fully give themselves to Christ. He will give us the strength to do anything that He asks of us. He doesn’t just hand out random tasks to by drawing a name out of hat and say, “Oh well, hope they can make it through this one!” — He prepares us. He equips us and He is with us. Jesus doesn’t ever just leave.
• Lastly and probably the singular verse that has been giving me the most peace during this difficult season of life; “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14. Sometimes you hit a certain point and you just have to say, “I did all I can, and now I need to let the Lord have it.” Because ultimately, He is the one that can make miracles and really difficult situations better. Sometimes that means giving less physical energy and focusing more on the power of our prayers.

There are things in this life that I can control. I can control whether or not I choose to listen to the lies in my head that tell me that my God is going to leave me, that there is no good plan for my life, and that I am not worth anything. But I choose to believe in the Truth of who I know my God to be and in what my God says about me. I want to choose to remember the places where I have seen God be faithful in the past and use that as a tool of hope for the future He has in store for me. He has a plan. He is fighting for me. And He loves me. He’s not going to ever just leave.

I know I can trust Him. He has proven it time and time again, but my flesh keeps me from seeing His faithfulness in the past. So this is me denying my flesh. I refuse to believe the lies. I know my God is good and He will never fail. Even Jesus, who knew His plan from His Father in Heaven, had to surrender what He knew would be the most painful day of life to God. “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” Luke 22:42. To be more like Jesus, is to give everything to our Father in Heaven. He will make all things right with due time, we may just need to be still.

Jesus, I know you see everything. Every detail of every life. You know all to the point that I know nothing in comparison. Help me to sit in the silence with You, help me to be able to hear Your voice clearer. I want to know you more than anything, Lord. I trust you with this season of my life. I pray for an abundance of You. Strip my flesh from my soul and make me new in Your Image. Please Lord. I have done all I can and I know You are fighting for me. I give my life to You, every question and every hurt. Father in Heaven, take this cup from me. Amen.

“Like Jesus in the garden
Will you take this cup from me
Like Jesus in the garden
You don’t call where you won’t lead
I wanna love like you love
I wanna bleed like you bleed”

– Chris Renzema – Song: I Don’t Wanna Go